For a moment, I appreciate the silence.
I fold the mountains of laundry and take my time sorting the recycling.
I drink rose and listen to seven hours of my brand new audiobook, decluttering and puttering around the house.
I take a long evening bath, with bubbles and candles and a sense of calm I have not been able to reach in some time.
I think, “What do I want to eat?” Reaching for fresh asparagus and arugula salad, thinly sliced apple and home made strawberry vinaigrette.
Then, after the things are put away and the projects done. With nothing else to distract myself with. I slowly open the door.
Into the little green room, with stars on the wall and fancy dress costumes scattered on the floor. With tiny little clothes, so handsome and sweet.
I pick up trains and cars, tiny tea cups, and furry friends.
I sit on the soft duvet, and silent tears roll down my cheeks.
I give in to the sorrow.
The sorrow of having to say goodbye to your little one each month, sending him off to have a grand and beautiful time with his dad, but missing him every single second he is gone.
The extra sleep and time are not to be taken for granted, it is when I find myself again, it is when I find time to write to you.
But I miss him. Every single second I miss him.
I miss the sun soaked smell of his hair, the wild laughter too big for a person so small. I miss the sweet little chirp of, “Mama,” so very early in the morning.
“Are you my mommy!?” he asks, “Oh yes, are you my baby!?” I answer. We fall into fits of laughter and kisses and love.
He will soon be home, and I will soon be desperate for sleep and time to think. But the truth is, being his mama is my favorite thing I have ever done.
I have never had another adventure so beautiful and real.
I am so wholly and unabashedly his.
Forever and ever, I will be his.
Bonnie Rae xx