I could fill a book with things I used to say.
I will never have children, I don’t want to be a mom, I kill every green thing I touch, I will never get divorced, I will stay in the same job for ten years, I can’t do it alone, I am not that type of person – one who reaches for more.
Growing was change and change was scary. The pain of staying the same became comfortable. It became what I knew.
But then, from deep within, there was a rumble. A rumble that turned into a spark, a spark that lit a fire, a fire that could not and would not be contained.
I tried. I tried telling myself it wouldn’t work out. Why do you want to change, Bonnie? It would hiss. Trying to push me back down into comfortable silence. Shaming me for my efforts.
But I had already seen too much. I had seen pain and joy and hope and loss. I had felt it all before and survived it. Turned it into something more. And so, I quieted the hiss and released the fire.
I let it burn down my whole life and self. The pretty picture I had curated, gone in a flash of bright white light.
It was painful. After all, life is painful.
But in the end, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong.
It is time for this old way of being, this comfortable painful way white people have been living, to go.
The rumble is too great to ignore now. It is time to let it burn things down, to awaken anew.
Do not stay behind. Come with us, join with us to grow and change. To become more. We are capable of so much more.
Do not repeat the things you used to say. Let them burn with the old, to make way for the light.
Bonnie Rae xx
I love you, I see you, start here.
The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
I currently have about 20 items in my summer, stay at home, capsule wardrobe.
2 jeans, 2 shorts, 2 tank tops, 2 pairs of shoes, 10 tops, and 1 dress – the dress is not pictured because I did not want to take these photos in the nude (although if that is your thing, more power to you.) Check out my Instagram for styled outfits, and the dress.
I’m often asked, “Is that really all you wear? What about when you play with Miles? Don’t you get bored? ARE YOU SURE THAT’S IT!?”
Yes, this is it. I average about 25 items each season in my capsules. One thing that makes my number so low is that I do not need to dress “fancy” for work. I have a small conference capsule wardrobe that is obviously tucked away for now.
And yes, I wear these items to play with Miles. I don’t mind the occasional grass stain, or paint mark. They are all removed easily enough.
For March and the beginning of April, I did not have a capsule. Like many others. I was surviving. Trying to find my way in this new world. Dressing in leggings and pajamas and never “getting ready” for the day. It was rare that I would even brush my teeth before noon.
I do not regret living this way for a while. I was doing my very best. Trying to figure out how to work full time and be a single mama. I cried a lot and I worried. I wondered how long I could go on this tired and lonely, unable to see my family and friends, the people that give so much meaning to my life. How long could I take care of this little one alone, without my village there to help me?
And then, a shift. A phone call from one of the wisest and most powerful women in my life, a woman who showed me that I could be kind and set boundaries. I can be gentle and strong. That yes, most people are doing their very best, but not everyone in this world has good intentions.
She reminded me that I am full of light. That I have come through worse than this. That the people I was letting take parts of me did not hold them well. She noticed that I had forgotten myself for a little while, and she helped me remember.
People do that for me over and over. Listen and love and remind me of who I am, remind me that I know myself better than anyone. My sister, my friends, my auntie, my mentors, myself. Keep close the people that really see you.
I’ve started getting ready each day, with the beautiful items in my summer capsule, because it helps me remember who I am. Clothes have that power, you know? They hold the power to uplift you, to impact your thoughts and your mood. All the things around you do. Your home, your clothes, your words.
When I have a small, curated number of items to choose from, I lessen the decision fatigue. I add simplicity and quality.
In the morning, I cleanse my face, do my hair, moisturize, brush my teeth, and step into my chosen items for the day. Instantly I feel more capable and ready to do this life.
“You don’t have to solve your whole life overnight. And you don’t have to feel ashamed for being where you are. All you have to focus on is one small thing you can do today to get closer to where you want to be. Slowly and lightly, one step at a time. You can get there.” Daniell Koepke
Bonnie Rae xx
If you want to plan your own capsule, these might help: