The people at my gym annoyed me – were they staring at me? They need to go so I have space. I need a home gym, why do I even keep this membership?
I hate my office. People are so in my face, they interrupt, I feel their negative energy, I just want to work from home but I have to be here.
I was always grateful to Ms. Barbara. Raising my baby with me. But Miles and I were rushed. I was exhausted by the time I picked him up, so sweet and loving to him, but really I only had a few hours a day with him and two days every other weekend.
I missed so much. I missed his smiles and his questions. His kisses and cuddles. His smells and giggles. His dislikes and demands.
I am so grateful for this time. I will come out of this better and stronger and wiser somehow. I have done uncertainty before. I have survived my life shattering on the floor like glass before, growing stronger as I put it back together – more beautiful than before.
Still, at times, my gratitude and privilege make me sick. Each moment of meditation or wealth makes me feel guilt and shame like I have never felt before- how do I have so much in this time while a majority have nothing? Less than nothing.
How did we get like this? So far from equality. So far from freedom. Tied to wages. Tied to debt. Tied to this capitalist system I hate.
My heart is breaking, not for me, for everyone else. For a system that fails the majority of beings – humans and animals and our earth.
I do what I can. I turn my heartbreak into action. Into donations, support of local businesses, food bank support, cards sent with messages of love and support.
My heart still breaks. But I notice the good. I do not look for the stories of darkness and hate. I follow the light. There are so many people coming together, giving and caring. More than I’ve ever seen.
People are waking up. The angry, protesting few are outnumbered by the hopeful, caring many.
We can do this. We can come out wiser, moving slower, remembering what we miss. Not stuff and things and the business of it all.
We miss the hugs, the family, the friends- the love.