Growing

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Would you rather have the pain of growing or the pain of staying where you are?
I am often asked how I did it. How I survived the divorce. The separation, the secrets uncovered, the transition from family of three in a home I bought to single mama in an apartment alone- and that’s just it, I survived.
One breath, one hour, one day at a time- I kept moving. Putting one foot in front of the other. Feeling pain and emotions I didn’t even know were possible. Recognizing the unhealthy patterns I repeated that led to such an unhealthy relationship, and reveling in the absolute joy that resulted from the coupling- my Miles.
The pain does not just dissipate. You do not wake up one day healed and whole and happy. No one does. Because life is not a destination. It is the ascent up the mountain. It is the fresh mountain air, the wildflowers, the wind in your hair. It is the bleeding of scraped nails and cuts and bruises, the pain and joy of it all.
There is no end place- no happy destination where we land. Because life is most certainly the journey. The thrill and pain and ecstasy of the climb.
I am still climbing. Each and every day I choose to wake up, to show up, to cuddle that beautiful baby I have the absolute pleasure of raising and keeping safe. I choose to look for the morning light that eventually pours through our windows, to revel in the smell of fresh coffee, to run and play in the rain and the dirt with my little- I choose to live this life. This remarkably beautiful life I have built. I choose to see the good, the more you look for it the more you will find.
I take care of myself, like really really take care of myself. I drink tons of water and move my body. I curate my space and surroundings so that they bring me nothing but joy.
I remind myself that I am stronger now. The person that accepted love from someone so horrible to me, she’s not here anymore. I am not mad at her, I love her so very much. She was doing the very best she could at the time- I honor her, she got me here after all. She survived the hardest part, she’s just not in the driver’s seat anymore.
When he tries to get to me, or when the world throws something dark and painful, I remember that we have overcome before- and we will do so again. Because the pain of growth is so very worth it.
More soon,
Bonnie Rae xx

 

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