One more

Bonnie & MilesBonnie & MilesBonnie & MilesBonnie & MilesBonnie & MilesBonnie & Miles
Do you think I can have one more kiss?
I’ll find closure on your lips and then I’ll go.
Maybe also one more breakfast
One more lunch and one more dinner
I’ll be full and happy and we can part
But in between meals, maybe we can lie in bed one more time
One more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely as I rest my head on your chest 
My hope is if we add up the “one mores” they will equal a lifetime and I’ll never have to get to the part where I let you go.
But that’s not real, is it?
There are no more one mores.
I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seem endless.
And they still are… for you, for me, but not for us.
When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough you can fix it.
Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t break, they shatter
But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter.
In those moments, when the pieces of what we were catch the sun – I’ll remember just how beautiful it was 
How beautiful it will always be
Because it was us
We were magic
Forever.
-Someone Great-
When my ex-husband left me, in a flurry of cheating and fighting and cold and sad, I would have given my life for just one more. One more kiss, one more hug, one more chance.
I offered everything to barter for one more. I gave up dreams, my heart, my peace, my values, my soul. Just for one more.
One more never came. It was not there, I was not there. I was made of fights and pain and losing myself to something that wasn’t meant for me.
When I asked for readers to send me what they would like advice on through my writing, the most highly requested topic was divorce, separation, and moving on.
I’m no expert, but there are a few things I know for sure.
No relationship can grow if you are not working each day to be whole. I entered my marriage very broken and insecure- I did not know my own power yet. I was the perfect target for manipulators and abusers, and I didn’t even know it.
As I came out of my separation, my divorce, I made a list of everything I wanted in a future person: kindness, honesty, a growth mindset, healthy habits, a willingness to work on themselves and go to therapy. Then I set out into the world to become that person.
How could I require things in a partner that I was not working on myself? If the energy I was putting out into the world was still the broken, hurting, insecure person I had become- who would I attract?
Healing is a process, breath by breath we grow and heal and learn.
I have not done it alone. With my baby, beautiful friends, family, colleagues and my kickass therapist, I have come so far this past year.
If you are hurting, if you are in a broken relationship right now reading this, know that you have the power to grow and change. But also know that when you start to grow and change you might start to shed toxic people from your life, and one of those people might be your partner.
No two stories are the same, your life will never look exactly like mine, but I share because when I was going through the deepest parts of this, I was so desperate for someone that understood. Someone who had stood where I stood in the depths of my pain and survived.
If you had told me when all of this happened that it was somehow meant for me, I would have called you a liar. When the pain was so raw and it hurt to breathe, when I called my sister five times a day telling her I couldn’t do it, when I told myself to survive six months. Just keep moving each day for the next six months.
It’s been almost a year now, and I can tell you, as someone planted firmly on the other side of the pain- this was meant for me.
I am not exaggerating when I tell you, I have never been happier, healthier or more alive than I am at this very moment.
You contain multitudes. If something is ending it may have served the purpose it was meant to in your life and now it is time to let it go. You are so much stronger than you know, we can all survive so much more than we think.
What you are asking for, wishing for in your heart, may be coming to you in a different way than you expected. It takes time.
It takes really hard work and tears and laughter and help along the way, but it’s out there. Calling for you. You get to decide if you’re going to answer it.
More soon,
Bonnie Rae xx
Help along the way:
This podcast
Also this podcast
This article
All photos by The Commoneer

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