“this is a growing season
of change, of turning, of shedding,
of letting things fall away, and fall apart,
and come undone, and be uncovered
and then a space of surrender, of being, just being,
And the reflections here are just temporary,
so take them in and honor them,
and be honest with them, and own them…
but then forgive them, and don’t stay in them
let it all go… let yourself bloom”
I haven’t been here in a while. No excuses, I tend to write when I feel called to- when I have something to say.
Two weeks ago, someone tried to enter my home. An intruder was tapping and leaning on our door, uninvited. I do not know the reason or the person. Miles did not know, he was tucked safely in bed with his mama’s eyes on him the entire time.
I, on the other hand, experienced it all. The scratching and tapping. The creeks of the screen door and the quiet knocks. The face pressed close to the main door, listening to see if I was awake.
I am strong. I am resilient. I have been through a lot in my life, haven’t we all?
But this? An intruder in my home? It broke me. It took my sense of home, my safety. Even though the apartment kept me and my baby safe, I could no longer live there. In the beautiful space that saved me. That held me while I lived alone for the first time with my baby. The police responded quickly, my partner arrived shortly after, to keep us safe.
Even so, for the past few weeks, I have struggled. Living with family and friends, moving from place to place. Sorting through leases and apartment searches, all while maintaining my job and normalcy for my little one.
I reached a breaking point. A mental state I knew was not sustainable. Not okay. But then, I returned to my foundations, to myself.
Life..is not easy. For any of us. It breaks and bends. It moves and ruptures. It branches and creeks and grows and groans. The only thing constant is change.
So, I returned to my habits, to my healing. I reached out to the people that love me. I told them I was not okay- they came through in droves. They had me for dinner, they offered their homes for us to stay, weekends away, love and kisses and hugs in spades.
I returned to meditation, to my gratitude journal, to moving my body, to staying in the moment and taking things day by day. Am I safe? Yes. Am I loved? Yes. Are my baby and I healthy? Yes. That is more than so many have,
I am grateful. For the people that love me, for the safety and health of myself and my baby, for a job that provides resources and flexibility, for another chance to be humbled, to surrender, to know that I am only co-creating this life of mine.
Miles and I will be living somewhere new, somewhere safe, somewhere to rest and renew.
I will surrender to the timing of it all. To the nights that are hard, to the fact that I am only human.
And then I will rise the next day, alive and well and so grateful for another chance at this life.
I am learning the art of surrender. Finding the courage to let go.
Things that have helped:
This app, turns your phone into a walkie talkie, to talk to the people you love even when you’re busy
This journal, which I still love and complete daily
This show, based on my favorite book of all time
Brandon & Rochelle, and Hal & Har who are there are on the nights that are the hardest