simple days with bonnie rae

I am now the same age my ex husband was when he cheated on me. I am now the age he was when he started an affair with his 19 year old intern.

When I see a 19 year old now, in my 32 year old body and mind, I see a baby. I see my son. I see a child learning to exist, a young person whose brain is still developing and growing and becoming.

He saw prey.

He told me, as explanation five years ago now, that she listened to him. That she validated his thoughts and ideas and made him feel good.

Of course she did. How could she know? That you were a predator. I didn’t know either.

I knew you were cruel, I knew you hated me, my body, my mother hood, my sister, my dreams, my heart.

I was there every time you told me I must be hairless, and small, and perfect.

I was there when I was so blue and low that I told you maybe the world didn’t need me, that you and my son would be better off without me.

I was there when you agreed, that yes, it would be.

I am now finally the age you were when you told me I should not need compliments, kind words, or hugs from my husband. And I believed you.

How grateful I am, to be so much wiser and kinder than you at 32.

Not because of you, but in spite of you.

How grateful I am to have been brought back to life by my sister and aunties and friends.

How grateful I am to know real love, true love. A love so deep and healing even my bones feel it.

How grateful I am my sweet, sensitive, beautiful boy will not live in your shadow.

We live in the sun now.

More soon,

Bonnie Rae xx