This December feels so good. Right now, I feel good. Looking at my house, our home, and all that it took to build this cozy nest. All it took to get here.
Everyone seems at peace. The pup that has been with me all along, little Max. He was there for my pregnancy, the birth, the after, the separation, the divorce. And he loved me through all of it.
His 15 year old body, still so full of joy and gentleness and love. His first eight years were not so kind to him. Left outside in the cold and the heat, forgotten. Now he is king of the bed and treated with such tenderness.
Meredith and Marie. My girls. Kitties that were both deemed “too difficult” to adopt. Now they beg for pets and cuddles constantly. I am watching them now, cuddled together beneath the ornament stuffed tree.
Two girls who were also there though it all. They saw me at my darkest, saddest, and most unwell. Now they play and romp and relish life with me again.
Baloo, our malamute, who follows me around the house. Never wanting to be more than two feet from his mama at any time. He joins every family hug, he knows he is loved. He is made of pure, bouncy joy.
Miles, my forever perfect boy.
I am just grateful. For this little life. For each ornament on our tree, each coffee mug in our cupboard, each kiss and hug from my partner. There was a time when I did not have the funds or the love required to have any of these things.
“Please, please, just one hug. I won’t ask again for a long time, I think it will be good for Miles to see us hug.” I used to beg. Only to be refused and rejected again and again. The man I married telling me that he was not responsible for holding or complimenting me.
I remember being shocked (after new love found me again) at my partner’s freely given physical touch and joy. How beautiful he thought I was felt like a revelation. Five years later his love and touch and patience, still unwavering.
You see, when you’ve been reduced to nothing by a person who once claimed to love you, you become a person grateful for everything.
It takes you years to fully receive the endless, boundless love that someone who deeply loves themselves can give.
“I need to get you more for Christmas!” he says.
I can’t think of anything else I want. I’ve got it all right here.
More soon,
Bonnie Rae xx
Things I have been loving:
simple days with bonnie rae 
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