But in between meals, maybe we can lie in bed one more time
One more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely as I rest my head on your chest
My hope is if we add up the “one mores” they will equal a lifetime and I’ll never have to get to the part where I let you go.
But that’s not real, is it?
There are no more one mores.
I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seem endless.
And they still are… for you, for me, but not for us.
When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough you can fix it.
Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t break, they shatter
But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter.
In those moments, when the pieces of what we were catch the sun – I’ll remember just how beautiful it was
How beautiful it will always be
Because it was us
We were magic
When my ex-husband left me, in a flurry of cheating and fighting and cold and sad, I would have given my life for just one more. One more kiss, one more hug, one more chance.
I offered everything to barter for one more. I gave up dreams, my heart, my peace, my values, my soul. Just for one more.
One more never came. It was not there, I was not there. I was made of fights and pain and losing myself to something that wasn’t meant for me.
When I asked for readers to send me what they would like advice on through my writing, the most highly requested topic was divorce, separation, and moving on.
I’m no expert, but there are a few thingsI know for sure.
No relationship can grow if you are not working each day to be whole. I entered my marriage very broken and insecure- I did not know my own power yet. I was the perfect target for manipulators and abusers, and I didn’t even know it.
As I came out of my separation, my divorce, I made a list of everything I wanted in a future person: kindness, honesty, a growth mindset, healthy habits, a willingness to work on themselves and go to therapy. Then I set out into the world to become thatperson.
How couldI require things in a partnerthatI was not working on myself? If the energy I was putting out into the world was still the broken, hurting, insecure personI had become- who would I attract?
Healing is a process, breath by breath we grow and heal and learn.
I have not done it alone. With my baby, beautiful friends, family, colleagues and my kickass therapist, I have come so far this past year.
If you are hurting, if you are in a broken relationship right now reading this, knowthat you have the power to grow and change. But also know that when youstart to grow and change you might start to shed toxic people from your life, and one of those people might be your partner.
No two stories are the same, your life will never look exactly like mine, but I share because when I was going through the deepest parts ofthis, I was so desperate for someone that understood. Someone who had stood where I stood in the depths of my pain and survived.
If you had told me when all of this happened that it was somehow meant for me, I would have called you a liar. When the pain was so raw and it hurt to breathe, when I called my sister five times a day telling her I couldn’t do it, when I told myself to survive six months. Just keep moving each day for the next six months.
It’s been almost a year now, and I can tell you, as someone planted firmly on the other side of the pain- this was meant for me.
I am not exaggerating when I tell you, I have never been happier, healthier or more alive than I am at this very moment.
You contain multitudes. If something is ending it may have served the purpose it was meant to in your life and now it is time to let it go. You are so much stronger than you know, we can all survive so much more than we think.
What you are asking for, wishing for in your heart, may be coming to you in a different way than you expected. It takes time.
It takes really hard work and tears and laughter and help along the way, but it’s out there. Calling for you. You get to decide if you’re going to answer it.
Nothing has changed my life quite like learning to feed and move my body.
I used to be someone that was thin, but not healthy. I didn’t ever count calories, but I was not someone that nourished my body the way that I should have.
I am on the path to loving myself, fully and completely. And it is a long path. A journey that is not yet complete.
There are many ways for one to live well, and I am not saying I have the perfect answer, but in all of my searching and devouring of personal growth books, podcasts, wellness blogs, and memoirs of my heroes- moving your body for at least 30 minutes each day is a non-negotiable.
Our bodies, our beautiful, strong, magical bodies that do so damn much for us, were meant to move. We have become sedentary creatures that were not ever meant to be so.
Anxiety, depression and mental health issues are on the rise, and while this is a multifaceted and nuanced phenonenon- a huge part of this is lifestyle.
We do not have to move anymore. We are not chasing down food, nor are we outrunning predators that could eat us. If you are reading this blog right now you have the resources to wake up and get food that you did not grow or pick or maybe even prepare.
This isn’t a bad thing necessarily, but it means you have a body that is aching to wake up and move.
I knew that moving my body was a really great idea for a long time. All the people I look up to had regular work out routines, so why did it take me years to do it?
I was scared. Scared of so many things. Scared to walk into a gym, scared to look stupid, scared to figure out protein powders and nutrition and every single thing involved with caring for me.
Then one day, I asked a dear friend who worked out every day to take me with her, I signed up for a yearly membership at a gym so I had an important financial incentive to go and I just started going. My friend and twin flame took me every time I asked. She showed me around, was gentle with me as I picked up my little 5-pound weights and could barely complete a set.
She introduced me to everyone she knew at the gym and made me feel at home. She never pushed, she lived a life of health and love and caring for her body and simply by being herself she inspired me. She made me want to reach for more.
If you don’t have a twin flame to take you to the gym, check-in with friends and family that inspire you. Find a kick-ass motivational coach that does free sessions on YouTube. Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
As my body became stronger, my mind became clearer. My anxiety lessened, my moods improved. Even now, if I feel myself getting low or feeling strange, it is usually time for a workout.
You don’t have to be extreme. You don’t have to be the best. Just be consistent. Show up each day, and care for your body. Give back to the beautiful vessel that is carrying you through the world.
Don’t beat yourself up, lift yourself up. You have to love you before anyone else can.
Bonnie Rae xx
P.S. Amy- this one is obviously for you. Thank you.
The holidays are a time that can warrant excess. A time when people buy for the sake of buying, new and now and abundance are everywhere we look.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can make this time your own and celebrate in a way that creates joy for you and your family.
For me? This means finding a tree from a local seller. One that has already been cut, and is supporting a local family or business. For our wreath, the same.
All of our lights, ornaments, tree stand and decor were found second hand. Keeping them out of the landfill and putting money in the pocket of organizations that are doing good in the world. Each year, we save our candy canes to rehang on our tree.
No need to be perfect, we have the odd ornament or two from Target, our second-hand items came in plastic bags- just do your best. We don’t need a few people doing this perfectly, we need a majority of us doing it imperfectly.
The rest of our decorations are compostable, plants with cinnamon sticks, clementines in a bowl, Christmas candles made from soy in jars we can reuse – there are so many ways to celebrate simply and with less waste. Look at this as an opportunity to be creative, not as a burden to bear.
I think that most people are aching for a simpler holiday season. Time to focus on what really matters, not excess, surplus, waste, and stuff.
Be the person that starts. And let your actions speak, instead of telling others how to be or what to do, share what you do and maybe, just maybe, it will inspire them to make a change too.